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Can you hear me ??

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response.

" That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,

Honey , what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Intelligent Doc !

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got an eighteen-year- old wife who's pregnant & delivered a child. "What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM !!
The lion drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else Must have shot that lion."
"Exactly" Said the Doctor

Sales Tips !!

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem -- I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well,not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Thank GOD !!

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

What a way to learn ABCD....

A for apple.

B for bada apple.

C for chhota apple.

D for dusra apple.

E for ek aur apple.

F for fokat ka apple.

G for gol gol apple.

H for hazar apple

I for itney saare apple?

J for jaao nahi lene hai apple

K for kaise nahi loge apple

L for lene padenge tumko apple

M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple

N for naa nahi kehtey khaane ke liye apple

O for Oh to tum leke aaye ho itney saare apple

P for pet bhar khaao apple

Q for qismat mein nahi hote hai sabke, aise apple

R for roz khaana chahiye ek apple

S for sehadmand rahoge khaogey agar roz ek apple

T for tumko nahi milengey itney achhey apple

U for udhaar ke nahi hai yeh apple

V for very very tasty tasty hai yeh apple

W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple

X for X'mas mei hi milte hai itney achhe apple

Y for yeh dheko maine kha liye saare apple

Z for zaraasa aur do na apple

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you ! let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Doubt In Mahabharat !!

Coolest doubt in MahabharatIn some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the MahabharatKatha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child isgoing to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devkibehind the bars.First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one isborn n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born."Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I havea doubt(sounding nervous n confused)Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in MahabharataThen how come u have one?"Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to killhim,WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?Masterji fainted.........................

BRAZILLIAN!!

Concluding his daily White house briefing, defence secretary Donald Rumsfield says “In closing, I’m sorry to also inform you, Mr. President, that eight Brazillian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq.”
“Oh my God,” says George. “I can’t believe it. This is an utter catastrophe.”
His staff is stunned at his display of emotion, nervously watching as Bush slumps, head in hands.
He stays that way for minutes as others in the room wait in awkward silence. Finally, he slowly lifts his head and asks:
“So just how many is a BRIZILLION”

INZAMAM's INTERVIEW

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, goprepared for some standard questions that are asked from them whencommentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won thematch, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard responseto the first question. But this time..... Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for thesecond time! Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situationwhen he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He waspulling the good balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch onprogress and giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled usout of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put inb! ! ig effort and deliver good result all the time.

Which one hurts more !!

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Lethal Goodbye !!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

George Bush's Inbox ( Click on the pic to enlarge)

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT)

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it is our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We are trying to give our employees more SHIT than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the job, please see your Manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Employees who do not take their share of SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEPSHIT). Those who fail to take DEEPSHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EATSHIT). Since your managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they do not have to do SHIT anymore because they are full of SHIT already.

If you, too, are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULLSHIT). Those who are full of BULLSHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIPSHIT).

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOTSHIT).

Thank you.
Signed,
Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training.
(BIGSHIT)

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