Husband and Wife

* A couple drove down a country road for several "miles, not" saying aword. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of themwanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



* A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women usea day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to bebecause we have to repeat everything to men..."The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


* A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be sostupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow meto explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God mademe stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


* Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubbywas losing his temper. Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring outthe animal in me.""So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

Job Application

Some gems from job applications... do read the comments.

============================================================================ Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of.

============================================================================ Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."

I think we can oblige.

============================================================================

Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."

Sounds uncomfortable.


============================================================================

Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."

We can hardly wait.

============================================================================

Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."


We'll try not to let it go to our heads.


============================================================================


Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."

Good luck with that.


============================================================================


Experience: "10 years of experience in financail budgiting and transactions rigistering."


But limited experience with the spell-check function.

============================================================================

Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."


If you insist.


============================================================================


Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."

Yum.

============================================================================

Skills: "Grate communication skills."

Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

============================================================================ Experience:

"Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."


Seems kind of harsh


============================================================================

Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."



Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?


============================================================================

Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."


Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?

============================================================================


Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."


Did you minor in ear piercing?

============================================================================

Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."

We're pretty shocked already ...


============================================================================ ================

Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."


Glad to hear it.


============================================================================

Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.

============================================================================


Cover letter: "Experienced in all faucets of accounting."

That should help with the flow of information

Can we have an answer :)

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
That they will continue after recess.
When they resume, George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
Him what his name is.
"Steve".
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where is "Bob"?

Men never listen !!

Men Never Listen!

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on
the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched
them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,
gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is
tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smile on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an AutomaticTampon
Remover. Your balls are in the bucket under the bed"

What would you do ??

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.THE SITUATIONYou are in New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. There is chaos all around you with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TESTSuddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.THE QUESTIONHere's the question, and please give an honest answer.......



Would you select high contrast Color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

R u working like this ??

LOYAL HUSBAND

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

THE GUY'S RULES

THE GUY'S RULES
At last WE have taken the time to write this all down finally, the guys'
side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "The Rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules!
Please note.. these are all NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
----------------------------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
----------------------------------------------------
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
------------------------------------------------------
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
-------------------------------------------------------
1. Crying is blackmail.
--------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
---------------------------------------------------------
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...
Really.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You have enough clothes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You have too many shoes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Some Times you need to listen to the whole story.

Hoardings !!

Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration ***

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"
"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

Dedication (click on the pic to enlarge)

Billboard !!

Tech Savy !!!

Planting potatoes !!

[Father writes to his son in jail]

Dear Son,

>I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't

>be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the

>garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just

>getting

>too old to be digging

>up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles

>would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in

>prison.

>Love, Dad

>

>Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For

>Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the

>GUNS!!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and
local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without
finding any guns.
Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him
what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

Anger Management !!

If counting to ten, hundred, thousand...... doesn't work for u, trythis....
Anger management at it's very best!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, Iyelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had areally bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is JohnSmith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Someguy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patientlywaited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ..so, I wrote down his number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had hisnumber on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"Yes, it is.""Can you tell me where I can see it?""Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car'sparked right out in front.""What's your name?" I asked."My name is Don Hansen," he said."When's a good time to catch you, Don?""I'm home every evening after five.""Listen, Don, can I tell you something?""Yes?""Don, you're an asshole."Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello.""You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)"Are you still there?" he asked."Yeah," I said."Stop calling me," he screamed."Make me!," I said."Who are you?" he asked."My name is Don Hansen.""Yeah? Where do you live?""Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my blackBeamer parked in front."He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."Then I called Asshole #2."Hello?" he said."Hello, asshole," I said.He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?""You'll what?" I said."I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gaylover.Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34thStreet.I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of sixsquad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.NOW, I feel better...

Confidence and Over confidence

There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.

You can kiss ur girlfriendIs ur confidence.

ONLY YOU can kiss ur girlfriendIs over confidence.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenlythe sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,''Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I willgrant you one wish.''The man said, ''Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime Iwant.''The Lord said, ''Your request is very materialistic. Think of theenormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supportsrequired to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel itwould take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can doit, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of something that would honor andglorify me.''The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ''Lord, Iwish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feelsinside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how Ican make her truly happy.''The Lord replied, ''You want two lanes or four on that bridge?''

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